Again, it has been eons since I’ve last posted. But alas, what can I do? Only apologize and try to put up a fun entry. I have been reading a blog called HoboCamp lately. I have absolutely fallen in love with it. The girl who writes it is HILARIOUS. Although I must caution you that there is quite a bit of swearing and naughty things on it. OK, now that I’ve cautioned you, go read it. I have almost popped my lungs at work trying not to laugh. If you don’t find it funny, there may be something wrong with you.
Over at HoboCamp, Meg (the author of the blog) sometimes does a feature called I Saw You Asshole (ISYA for short). Whenever Meg sees someone being an asshole to someone else (or to herself), she says that she may not have the courage to call them out right then and there, but she certainly does in her blog. So with that explanation, I offer you my own ISYA.
***WARNING – I PLAN ON DROPPING THE F BOMB IN THIS LETTER. IF PROFANITY OFFENDS YOU, DO NOT READ THIS LETTER, TURN TO THE CLEANER POSTS OF THIS BLOG – THEY ARE VERY GOOD!
It's a good thing this is not me b/c I totally would have ate the Celebrations BITCH
ISYA: Bridesmaid Dress Edition
Dear A**hole at Celebrations in Coralville,
When people go to a professional dress store, they expect to be measured correctly. When I signed my form back in November promising that I understood that the dress I would be getting would be sized according to my measurements right then and there, I put my trust in you that I would actually FIT into my dress.
Do I measure myself every day? Do I know what my hip, waist and bust measurements are? No. I believe most people do not keep track of that kind of information. But from now on, because of you, I think I might start keeping a weekly log of my measurements.
When I picked up my dress a few weeks ago I was SO EXCITED! The dress was SO PRETTY and I could not wait to try it on. But then I got back to the farm and wait…what’s this? The dress was TOO SMALL. Hmm….that’s weird. I have been training for a half marathon, so I would think that I would at least have stayed the same size as before my dress measuring… Actually to be honest, I truly thought my dress would be slightly big on me. But nope. Too small. Oh sure, I can get that sucker on, but then it bunches up on my hips and makes me look fat.
But no worries, I’m sure we can get the dress taken out and everything will be just peachy!
Fast forward to last Saturday.
I walked into Celebrations a little after noon, and you were waiting for me. I was so tickled! Wow, you knew I was going to be early for my appointment! Don’t I feel special?! The seamstress (not affiliated with Celebrations) gave me my dress and told me to go put it on. I did so, and came back out for her to look at me.
All was fine and cool…the seamstress ripped seams, as I understood she was going to do.
Then it happened. The seamstress got out her measuring tape. In comparing my measurements, I was informed by the Celebrations BITCH (not the seamstress) that I have gained 3 inches on my hips and 2 inches on my waist.
At first, I was a little dumbfounded. …..3 inches….on my hips? And…2…2 inches? 2 inches on my waist? Wait…but….I have just run a half marathon! I have been working out at least 4 times a week….wha….what? I….I ran 13.1 miles….I…what? Maybe…..maybe…umm…maybe I should…stop working out? Wait…what?
*Here is the convo that went down at the store…I have edited it for purposes of shortness*
Seamstress: You gain weight. (The seamstress was Asian, and might not consider things callous that we do. So I forgive her.)
Me: I did? But…I just ran a half marathon….?
Celebrations BITCH: Well you signed a contract saying you wouldn’t gain weight.
Celebrations BITCH: Well obviously you did or else your dress would fit. Here, I’ll go get your contract for you.
*I am still standing while the seamstress continues to rip out the seam of my dress.
*Celebrations BITCH comes back with my contract.
Celebrations BITCH: See, here, you signed it.
Me: I can see that I did sign this. But it says that my waist is a size four while my hips are a size 6 (my dress was a size 4). Why didn’t I get a size 6 so that it would fit my hips?
Celebrations BITCH: Well, if we had gotten a size 6 we would have had to take it in, and you don’t want that.
Celebrations BITCH: You signed for a size 4.
Seamstress: I can take this out, but you still need lose weight. Just lay off ice cream.
And that’s pretty much it. I got out of the store and then sobbed in the car for a good half hour. Yes, the seamstress did make me cry by telling me that I was going to have to lose weight, but I am PISSED to no end about the Celebrations BITCH. I wish I could go back in and give her a piece of my mind. See, the thing is, if I have really gained 3 inches on my hips and 2 inches on my waist, it would have also come with a significant weight gain. 2 out of my 3 sisters in law are nurses, and they inform me that I would have had to gain at least 20 pounds. And how many pounds have I gained since I signed my contract? Oh wait, none. In fact, I have lost about 2 or 3 pounds. And besides….doesn’t it make more sense to take a dress IN than let it OUT? I mean….there is a chance that there will not be enough fabric to properly let it out to fit me…but of course that is preferable to having a dress be to big and have to cut out fabric…….. WHAT???
SO TO THE CELEBRATIONS BITCH WHO INSISTED THAT IT WAS MY OWN FAULT AND THAT I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT AND GROWN WHEN I REALLY HAVEN’T – YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR ASS FIRED. YOU WERE RUDE TO ME, AND UNWILLINGLY TO ADMIT ANY GUILT ON PART OF THE STORE. MAYBE IF THEY DIDN’T HIRE INCOMPETENT SHITBAGS LIKE YOURSELF, MAYBE THEY COULD GET SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS HOW TO MEAUSRE SOMEONE PROPERLY BEFORE THEY ORDER A DRESS DAMMIT.
Shove it up your ass,
OK, In rereading that, I’m pretty sure I did NOT drop the F bomb. I definitely did after I stopped crying and realized that I was being stupid and was NOT fat.
But seriously….I am writing a letter to Celebrations. This is ridiculous. I know that they do have people who know how to measure correctly because all of the other bridesmaids were measured by the same person and their dresses all came out fine. I got measured at a different time by someone else who OBVIOUSLY knows NOTHING about measuring someone for dresses.
So now I am back in Nashville, wondering how on earth I am going to manage this. I figure I just need to keep on with the exercising (Andrew and I are training for a 10 mile run in June), and completely cut out sugar in my diet until after the wedding. I figure if I drink my coffee black, have no pop and stay out of the cookie and candy drawer at work (the most glorious drawer in all of our lab) I should be OK. I am also thinking of the Special K challenge – they claim that I can take an inch off of my waist if I do it right…but then again, it’s really my hips that are the problem.
Gosh this sucks. I shouldn’t even be THINKING about trying to lose weight let alone area off of my body. I FUCKING HATE CELEBRATIONS. There, I dropped it.
Also, don’t believe me I ran a half marathon? Check this shit out. Also, after Jill informed me that Jason Mraz ran the 1/2 marathon also, I looked it up and realized that he ran past me. Don’t believe me? Do the math yourself.
Peace out girl scout,