The Bird Incident

I am melting down here in the South y’all.  It is almost 8 PM and it is 81 degrees outside.  Our new apartment is a freaking sauna because it’s on the top floor and the windows refuse to open and husband refuses to let me turn on the air conditioning.  I’ve not been sleeping well because of it and I’ve been a bit cranky.  Right now we are not even in the apartment, but at the coffeeshop (not Fido, but Bongo.  They’re pretty much the same thing, but Fido is usually pretty cold…so I don’t know why we chose Bongo.  Oh yeah, because Bongo has more than 2 freakin’ outlets).  

So yesterday you might have noticed the end of my post was a bit…disjointed?  I don’t really know and I can’t really tell.  I was typing it up and then before I could finish and post some of my friends came and met up with me.  So I had to postpone the posting for some games of scrabble tiles (Bananagrams minus the fancy banana bag).  And then I had to mask my posting of my blog as emailing husband to come join us.  It was hard but I accomplished it.  I had to hide my posting because they were going to give me a ride back to my place (it was dark and it’s just not a good idea to walk in Nashville alone after dark) and I had to strike while I still had the internet.

But anyways, that brings me to the topic of this post.  The Bird Incident as I call it now.  

So last night my friends dropped me off behind my apartment.  I waved goodbye and they drove off and I started up the stairs.  I got eye level with my landing and then all of a sudden, WHOOSH, WINGS!, FLIGHT!, SCARINESS!  POSSIBLE DEATH!  As you can tell I was obviously in a great amount of danger.  Yes, as I was walking up the stairs, I startled a bird that had been hanging out on my landing.  The bird was fluttering and I was screaming and flailing and practically falling backwards down the steps.

So you think now that the bird would have been all I’m outta here!  But the bird was just like Step off b*tch, this be my territory (No, I don’t know why the bird was all ghetto).  So then I thought to myself, hey I’ll throw a pine cone in the bird’s direction and he’ll be all OH NO! and fly off.  So I went back down the stairs and tried to find the pine cone that had fallen off my deck earlier that day.  I didn’t find it, because it was dark and I didn’t feel like sticking my hand down into the grass which was probably full of mini predators just waiting for unsuspecting girls to stick their hands down there so they could FEED ON MY FLESH.  But I did find a tiny plank. 

So I took that plank back up the stairs, got down on my hands and knees and crawled up the stairs until I got close enough and then I scooted the plank towards to bird.  The plank slid past the bird and that dang bird didn’t even freaking BLINK!  So then I had to go back down the stairs and into my car to get something else to throw at the bird.  I came up with a little box that used to have earrings in it (don’t worry, it was super light so it couldn’t have done any damage).  I again went back upstairs and threw the box towards the bird.  The box came within about 2 inches from the bird.  Again, the bird did not move.  I was beginning to think that this bird was a toy that my neighbor had left on my deck as a WELCOME TO THE HOUSE! gift.  But I would not be so easily duped.  

By now I had decided to go ask my downstairs neighbor if she had a flashlight so I could scare the bird with the light.  So I went back down the stairs and knocked on the back door.  Nothing.  I knew she was there because lights were on and candles were lit.  So I went around to the front of the house and knocked on the front door.  Nothing.  I sat down on the porch swing and tried to turn on my phone.  I dialed husband and the phone rang once and then powered back down.  I tried again in vain.  My phone being dead and useless, I considered lobbing it at the bird, but didn’t because I didn’t want to break my phone and I’d probably be considered and evil bird hater if I actually hit the darned thing.

I sat on the porch swing for a bit longer and then got paranoid that a gang was going to come and shoot me for an initiation or something (you may think I’m overreacting, but there was totally a gang related shooting over on 28th (I think) Avenue, and I already told you all I live on 21st Avenue, so that’s only 7 avenues away!), so I fished in my purse and came up with a tampon.  I made my way back up the stairs armed with my tampon and chucked it at the bird.  Again, nothing.  

There was nothing left to do then but just keep climbing the stairs and hope the bird would drop his bravado and fly away.  When I got close enough, I grabbed a broken plastic lid we had put outside the door and started trying to push the bird off the porch.  He finally got the message and flew off and made me scream again, but it was OK because I was FREE then!  I made my way back inside and then ran to my bed and tried not to sob because of the terror the bird had put me through.  

So now you know.  A bird almost killed me last night.

I swear the bird was like 5 times my size. Also it breathed fire and hat a tattoo. I'm telling you, it was one badass bird.

<3, lindsay


1 Response to “The Bird Incident”

  1. 1 ngtjennifer April 5, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    I’m glad you were not actually killed by the bird. Hopefully this will not be a regular occurrence.

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